What bus crossed the Atlantic Ocean? Columbus

A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.

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Cell phones make it easy to communicate with everybody except the people you're currently with.

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What is green, red and goes 90 miles per hour? A frog in a blender.

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What should you do if a monster runs through your front door? Run through the back door.

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I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

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What do tight pants and a cheap hotel have in common? No ballroom.

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What's a mixed feeling? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

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My longest relationship was when an Uber driver took me all the way to the airport once.

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Teacher: This note from your father looks like your handwriting ? Pupil: Well yes he borrowed my pen!

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Why did the left shoe marry the right? Because they were "sole"-mates

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What do you call a cow with two legs? Your mother!

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Who's bad at baseball but fun at parties? A pitcher filled with margaritas!

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What did the dog say after a hard day at work ? Today sure was ruff

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Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!

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What are the three rings of marriage? The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.

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Have you heard the joke about the corrupt government? [Content Removed]

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Why did the chicken cross the road? The get to the other side.

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Two baloons meet each other in a garden shop... The first one says to the other: Don't go that way, there's a cactusssssss

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I always thought air was free. Until I bought a bag of chips...

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How long do I have to lay on the couch in the same position before I can call it "yoga"?

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Which duck will destroy the establishment? None, ducks are not allowed in politics.

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I was trying to form a club for eunuchs at my high school... But there weren't enough members.

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What did the strawberry say on December 25th? Berry Christmas!

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The first time I used an elevator it was really uplifting. Then it brought me down.

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I win most of my staring contests... ... because my opponents usually don't know they're playing.

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Guys socialize by making fun of each other, but they don't mean it. Girls socialize by giving compliments to each other but they don't mean it either.

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New science shows that diarrhea is hereditary. It runs in your jeans.

Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg? He's all right.

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My grandfather got new pants the other day. I asked him how they fit... He said "Like a cheap castle." Seeing the confused look on my face, he elaborated, saying, "No ball room."

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Want to read a joke about pizza? Never-mind, it's too cheesy!

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