If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it's because no one else wanted them.

Have you heard the joke about the corrupt government? [Content Removed]

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What starts with "E" and has only one letter in it? Envelope!

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Want to read a joke about pizza? Never-mind, it's too cheesy!

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I heard a guy at the beach screaming, "HELP! SHARK! HELP!" I just laughed. I knew that Shark wasn't going to help him.

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I'm not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don't give them lunch or breakfast.

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Did you hear about the nation's best farmer? He's out standing in his field.

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"Which machine at the gym should I use to impress beautiful women?" "The ATM machine"

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What sound does a bouncing plane make? Boeing boeing boeing

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A woman in a bikini reveals about 90% of her body... and yet most men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

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Cop: "Are you driving under the influence?" Me: "No." Cop: "Say the alphabet backwards." Me: "Tebahpla eht."

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People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.

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I woke up suddenly terrified I'm late for work... I opened my eyes and chilled - I'm at work.

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Q2: What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes? Rep Tiles

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So there was a stork carrying an old man and the old man turns to it and says: "Would you at last admit it that we are lost?"

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Treat your guests like family, so they don't stay too long.

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Who is there? Police! What do you want? We want to talk. How many of you are there? Two. So talk with each other!

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Life is about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

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Who ate all the cookies? 5-year-old: Ninjas. Me: I didn't see them. 5-year-old: No one ever does. Checkmate.

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I couldn't use my phone at the funeral It was a dead zone

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Just recently sold all my dead batteries free of charge

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I would tell you another chemistry joke... But all the best ones Argon.

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Boy, do I love soccer It's the only sport where the fans are tougher then the players.

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If I ever need a heart transplant, I'd want my ex's. It's never been used.

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Pupil: The art teacher doesn't like what I'm making! Dad: What is it what are you making? Pupil: Mistakes!

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There needs to be a third option because getting older or dying aren't working for me.

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A helicopter crashed on a graveyard. Reports says over 500 dead...

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A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much it is for a beer. The bartender says ; "For you.. No charge!"

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I've decided to start my own herb garden. I've got a lot of extra Thyme.

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Why are old balloons cheaper than new balloons? Because of inflation

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What do you call a guy that hangs around with musicians? A drummer.

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