What is Tiger Woods favorite course? The intercourse.

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

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I'm dating an x-ray technician... But I don't know what she sees in me.

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Dear Algebra, please stop asking us to find your x. She is not coming back.

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My dad has the heart of a lion - and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

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What's the difference between Rihanna and Britney Spears? Britney asked to be hit one more time..

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How can you tell that your waitress is having a bad day? She has a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

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My dad is really good at playing hide n' seek! It's been 12 years since we started and I still haven't found him!

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What's drier than toast without butter? My sense of humor.

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Gaining Weight? ...It's a piece of cake!

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What's heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers? A ton of feathers. Because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

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What do single people call Valentine's Day? Independence Day

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In the near future, little old ladies won't know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they'll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.

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A very tough question to answer If con is the opposite of pro, then isn't Congress the opposite of progress?

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What do you call a bunch of killer whales playing musical instruments? An orca-stra.

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"Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask?" She says, "He said, Please put down that damn gun..."

Two baloons meet each other in a garden shop... The first one says to the other: Don't go that way, there's a cactusssssss

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How do you know when Santa Claus is nearby ? You can feel his presents ...

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What has everyone been doing at Apple since the problems with the latest iPhone started? Looking for Jobs.

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Make a man a fire and he'll be warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm till he dies.

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I was dropping my kids off at school when I saw a sign that said "Watch for Children." I'm going to miss them, but man this is a nice Rolex.

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This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won't be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.

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Where do you find a dog with no legs? Wherever you left it.

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Doc, I've got a problem. Every morning at 8 sharp I poop. Doc: "How is that a problem?" Me: "I wake up at 9."

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Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it's getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.

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I asked a city dweller "Do you know where the post office is?" He said, "Yes," and kept right on walking.

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I would tell you another chemistry joke... But all the best ones Argon.

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How can you tell a male dinosaur from a female dinosaur? Ask it a question. If he answers it's a male if she answers it's female.

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What do clouds wear under their clothes? Thunderware.

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How do bees go to school? They take the buzz

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What do you call a farmer who is really good at his job? A man who is outstanding in his field.

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