My grandfather got new pants the other day. I asked him how they fit... He said "Like a cheap castle." Seeing the confused look on my face, he elaborated, saying, "No ball room."

How do you know a introvert likes you... He stares at your shoes instead of his.

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Why do women have legs? To not leave a slime trail.

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Why are you late? Student: Because of the sign on the road. Teacher: What type of sign? Student: The sign that says, School Ahead, Go Slow.

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Where do women have the most curly hair? In Africa...

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What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit? A: Will the defendant please rise.

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Two baloons meet each other in a garden shop... The first one says to the other: Don't go that way, there's a cactusssssss

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Someone asked a man who had been married for 20 years: "What did you do before you were married sir?" With teary eyes he replied: "Whatever the hell i wanted to do."

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What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!

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I was once a man stuck in a woman's body. Then my mother gave birth.

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My neighbor came over and knocked on my door at 3 a.m. the other night. Three in the morning, can you believe it? He was lucky I was still up playing my drums.

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The deeper the pit you're falling into, the more chance you have to learn how to fly.

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A cowboy rides into town on Friday, stays three days and leaves on Friday. How does he do it? The horses name is Friday.

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A group of people were yelling at me in the movie theater. It got so loud I had to take my phone call outside.

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Why do cow wear bells? Because their horns don't work.

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If you can't do what's right you can always do what's left.

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What goes cackle cackle boom? A witch in a minefield.

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Sometimes I feel like a doctor stuck studying X-rays to gauge the health impacts of excessive sausage eating. I tend to see the wurst in people.

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The problem with today's children is that today's parents are idiots.

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I went to the hairdresser and she asked how I'd like my hair cut. In silence.

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Guys socialize by making fun of each other, but they don't mean it. Girls socialize by giving compliments to each other but they don't mean it either.

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What does a British guy say when he beats an Eastern European at chess? Czechmate

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Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying "Don't worry, we cleaned it up"

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People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I'm happiest when I'm right!

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What do you give an elephant with big feet ? Plenty of room!

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Have you heard the joke about the corrupt government? [Content Removed]

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What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot

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Who is the funniest tennis player? Djokovic

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What does a parent say to their boy who keeps missing the toilet? Urine trouble.

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I would tell you another chemistry joke... But all the best ones Argon.

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What's fatter than your mom? Your mom after her next meal.

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