I'll never forget what my grandfather said to me right before he kicked the bucket. "Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

I just found bacteria growing on my chocolate bar. I guess there is life on Mars after all.

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Teacher : In the exam you will be allowed 30 minutes for each question. Pupil: How long for the answer sir?

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How do you make a dog go "meow"? Take it out of the freezer and run it through a bandsaw.

How does Dracula keep fit? He plays batminton.

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What do clouds wear under their clothes? Thunderware.

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What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!

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What does a British guy say when he beats an Eastern European at chess? Czechmate

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I am so lonely. The only ex I have is in my chromosome XY...

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How can you tell a male dinosaur from a female dinosaur? Ask it a question. If he answers it's a male if she answers it's female.

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What do you call a farmer who is really good at his job? A man who is outstanding in his field.

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My favorite element is Helium. I can't speak highly enough of it.

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I win most of my staring contests... ... because my opponents usually don't know they're playing.

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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up? Because it was two tyred..

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My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, "Do you think you'll be next?" We settled this quickly once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

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Max wondered why the ball was slowly growing larger... and then it hit him.

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I have a date this weekend with a girl who has a shoe fetish... But I'm a little worried about getting off on the wrong foot.

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I hate lying people, they're always in my way to the ocean.

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Why did the creepy hipster get arrested? Because he was following people before Instagram.

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What is not a truck crashing into people? Nice.

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Me: "Mom and Dad, I've decided to live on my own from now on." Parents: "Ok, cool." Me: "Your luggage is outside..."

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Where did I get my scarf? It's a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.

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Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking "Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?"

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Why did the blonde stare at her orange juice for so long? Because it said, Concentrate.

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What's drier than toast without butter? My sense of humor.

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Why is India surprised by the Brexit vote? They didn't know you could get Britain to leave by voting.

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Boy, do I love soccer It's the only sport where the fans are tougher then the players.

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Couldn't remember the girl's name from last night so I brought her to Starbucks.

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I threw a boomerang a few years ago I now live in constant fear

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There needs to be a third option because getting older or dying aren't working for me.

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I was once a man stuck in a woman's body. Then my mother gave birth.

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