I got accepted into Harvard's medical program I just have to die first and give them my body.

When is the most likely time that a stray dog will walk into your house ? When the door is open!

The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

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What has 2 legs and bleeds? Half a dog.

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A new study has proven that people who have more birthdays live longer.

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The Flat Earth Community has supporters all around the globe.

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Did you hear about the nation's best farmer? He's out standing in his field.

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Did you hear about the Wall Street investment banker who won $10 million in the lottery? He's so happy that he's giving some serious thought to paying back his student loan.

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Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.

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If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

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Why doesn't a sociologist look out the window in the morning? Because then they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.

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Teacher: "What is science?" Student: "Me Ma'am!" Teacher: "Ok Bob, what is science?" Student: "Science is our lesson for today."

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What's the difference between life and wife's rant? Life eventually ends.

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German tourist crosses Polish border. Border guards ask him: Name? Hans. Surname? Schmidt. Occupation? No, just traveling.

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Why did the chicken cross the road? The get to the other side.

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Finally figured out the reason why l look so bad in pictures. It's my face.

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What do elephants in the zoo get for lunch? Half an hour, just like the rest of the animals.

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Why is divorce so expensive? Because it is worth it..

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Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!

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I'm dating an x-ray technician... But I don't know what she sees in me.

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If I had 5 dollars in one pocket and 5 dollars in the other what do I have? Someone else's pants on.

Happy Valentines! A little early I know, but l suffer from premature congratulation...

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Why are there no penguins in Britain? They're scared of Wales.

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How many letters are in the alphabet during the Christmas Season? Only 25...because there's Noel.

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My diet plan consists of getting a full body tattoo of some skinny dude.

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If old people are so wise... How come they always die before everyone else?

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Doctor: "You're obese." Patient: "Whoa, for that I definitely want a second opinion." Doctor: "You're quite ugly, too."

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How to eliminate world hunger and unemployment at once? Let the hungry eat the unemployed.

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A very tough question to answer If con is the opposite of pro, then isn't Congress the opposite of progress?

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I like my coffee like I like my woman. Cold and bitter.

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What do dogs have that no other animal has? Puppy dogs!

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