I got accepted into Harvard's medical program I just have to die first and give them my body.

This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won't be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.

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What do you take before every meal? A seat.

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Sometimes I feel like a doctor stuck studying X-rays to gauge the health impacts of excessive sausage eating. I tend to see the wurst in people.

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What's cold, hot and chilly all at once? Cold chili.

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What do an elephant and an apricot have in common? They're both grey - well except for the apricot.

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A cowboy rides into town on Friday, stays three days and leaves on Friday. How does he do it? The horses name is Friday.

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Why is a bear brown? Because he crawls in his hole during winter.

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Sorry to inform you that you have a brain problem. Your brain is in 2 parts... Left and right. The left part has nothing right in it, and the right has nothing left in it.

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What do Greek soccer players wear? Soccer tee's

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I have finally discovered what's wrong with my brain: on the left side, there's nothing right, and on the right side, there's nothing left..

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What do you call bees that produce milk? Boo-Bees...

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Two Flies Are Sitting On a Piece of Shit. The first fly farts. The other gives him a disgusted look and says, "Come on man! I'm eating here!"

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People tell me sharing is caring. Good thing I don't care.

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What's heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers? A ton of feathers. Because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

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What kind of tea is sometimes hard to swallow ? Reality.

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What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? "Dam."

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What is a Rastafarian's favorite country? Yemen

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What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot

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What is love? The energy of life. What is marriage? The energy bill ...

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What do you call a fat female assassin? A killer whale.

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Did you hear about the Chicken who went for his job interview? He got roasted!

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Which duck will destroy the establishment? None, ducks are not allowed in politics.

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This deodorant says: "Avoid contact with eyes." Too late... I've already seen it.

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Why don't penguins ever get married? They always get cold feet!

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If a leopard and a cheetah both had companies, which stock should you buy? The leopard's, because cheetahs never prosper.

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I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry.

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Happy Valentines! A little early I know, but l suffer from premature congratulation...

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Why did the left shoe marry the right? Because they were "sole"-mates

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"Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask?" She says, "He said, Please put down that damn gun..."

Couldn't remember the girl's name from last night so I brought her to Starbucks.

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