Me: I'm gonna lose weight. Me: I'm gonna exercise every day. Me: I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?

How did I escape Iraq? Iran

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What animal runs around happily with 5 legs? A pit bull in a kindergarten

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Why are Americans so good at shooting? They have the best schools for it.

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Want to hear a cheesy joke? I will only tell it if I have your Parmesan...

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My friend David lost his ID the other day. Now we just call him Dav.

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If Twitter was invented by a woman, the character limit would be 10,000 characters.

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My standards are so high they just recorded a reggae song.

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What do an elephant and an apricot have in common? They're both grey - well except for the apricot.

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At the liquor store: "Hey, do you need help?" "Yes, but I come here instead."

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Do you know what my grandmother would be doing today if she was alive? Scratching at her coffin.

What's cold, hot and chilly all at once? Cold chili.

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What did the salad wearing a tuxedo say? "I feel a bit overdressed."

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What's a cat's favorite color? Purrple.

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Me: I'm gonna lose weight. Me: I'm gonna exercise every day. Me: I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?

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If I had a dollar for every woman that found me unattractive... They'd find me attractive.

The phrase "you two deserve each other" sounds like a compliment, but never is.

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What's the difference between Rihanna and Britney Spears? Britney asked to be hit one more time..

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What did the diver say to the oyster? I want that pearl! Don't be shellfish!

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My longest relationship was when an Uber driver took me all the way to the airport once.

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What does have eyes but can't see, has legs but can't walk, and has wings but can't fly? A dead bird.

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My neighbor came over and knocked on my door at 3 a.m. the other night. Three in the morning, can you believe it? He was lucky I was still up playing my drums.

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I'm only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.

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My dad is really good at playing hide n' seek! It's been 12 years since we started and I still haven't found him!

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My favorite quote: "Deep down, every human being just wants to be remembered." anonymous

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What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wiped his butt!

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A robber walks into a bakery, and pulls out a gun. "Give me the dough!"

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Where do women have the most curly hair? In Africa...

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Why wasn't the vampire working? He was on his coffin break.

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How do you think the unthinkable? Run your ship into an iceberg...

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Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking "Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?"

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