Why is India surprised by the Brexit vote? They didn't know you could get Britain to leave by voting.

I don't think it's rude to ask someone in an online dating site to send a picture posing with a copy of today's newspaper.

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A man walks into a bar... ...and loses the international limbo championship.

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Why did they bury the Scottish man on the West side of the hill? Because he was dead

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What do your call a fish who starts a drug empire? A scarfish

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Did you hear about the Chinese Chef who broke out of jail? Apparently he went out for a wok and never came back.

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Last night I walked into a bar - it still hurts...

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I have a date this weekend with a girl who has a shoe fetish... But I'm a little worried about getting off on the wrong foot.

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What do you give an elephant with big feet ? Plenty of room!

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I'm not crazy, my reality is just prettier than yours.

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What did the salad wearing a tuxedo say? "I feel a bit overdressed."

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A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything was last year.

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Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

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Why do women live longer than men? They're not married to women.

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What do you call your mum who is shorter than you? A minimum.

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What do you get if you cross a computer with a hamburger? A big mac.

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How can you open a banana? With a monkey!

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Why did the programmer get a job at the photographers? They needed a developer.

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What does a pirate wear if he works at Apple? iPatch

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They say that money can't buy you happiness, but being broke buys you nothing...

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When is the most likely time that a stray dog will walk into your house ? When the door is open!

What do you call bees that produce milk? Boo-Bees...

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My old best friend ran off years ago to pursue his dream of becoming a mime... I haven't heard from him since.

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Treat your guests like family, so they don't stay too long.

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During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants?" "Over there by mine" was not the answer I was expecting.

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Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!

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Me: "Mom and Dad, I've decided to live on my own from now on." Parents: "Ok, cool." Me: "Your luggage is outside..."

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A helicopter crashed on a graveyard. Reports says over 500 dead...

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Tried to pick up a woman at a cremation once. Got my fingers burnt.

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Teacher: Class we will have only half a day of school this morning. Class: Hooray! Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon!

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If Twitter was invented by a woman, the character limit would be 10,000 characters.

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