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What do you take before every meal? A seat.
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What should you do if a monster runs through your front door? Run through the back door.
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Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot is faster. Anyone can catch a cold.
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Which duck will destroy the establishment? None, ducks are not allowed in politics.
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What does the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Where's my tractor?
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Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my questions? Pupil: Well if I could, there wouldn't be much point in me being here!
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"Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask?" She says, "He said, Please put down that damn gun..."
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Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? No, they eat the fingers separately.
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A good book is like a good puppy. Both are easy to pick up but hard to put down.
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Ran my first 10k this morning. I'm kidding, I'm on my second Milky Way.
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If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
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Life is about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
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A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.
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How does Dracula like to have his food served? In bite-sized pieces.
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What does a Bird and a fridge have in common? They can both fly except the fridge.
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The problem with today's children is that today's parents are idiots.
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I would tell you another chemistry joke... But all the best ones Argon.
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What's the difference between a sumo and a feminist? A sumo shaves their legs.
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Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
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How do you know carrots improve your vision? Cause you've never seen any bunnies with glasses
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