I've found the perfect weight-loss system for Americans. Convert to the metric system and lose half your weight in just seconds.

Why did the cat join the Red Cross? Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit!

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I have finally discovered what's wrong with my brain: on the left side, there's nothing right, and on the right side, there's nothing left..

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How many letters are in the alphabet during the Christmas Season? Only 25...because there's Noel.

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I don't think it's rude to ask someone in an online dating site to send a picture posing with a copy of today's newspaper.

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People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I'm happiest when I'm right!

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My old best friend ran off years ago to pursue his dream of becoming a mime... I haven't heard from him since.

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What do you call a bus full of lawyers driving of a cliff? A shame. What do you call an empty seat? A damn shame.

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What does a bee say before it stings you? This is going to hurt me a lot more than it hurts you!

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Why did they bury the Scottish man on the West side of the hill? Because he was dead

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Wanna hear a dirty joke? John got dirty. Wanna hear a clean joke? John took a bath with bubbles. Wanna hear a naughty joke? Bubbles was the girl next door.

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Why are you late? Student: Because of the sign on the road. Teacher: What type of sign? Student: The sign that says, School Ahead, Go Slow.

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Why is India surprised by the Brexit vote? They didn't know you could get Britain to leave by voting.

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Boy, do I love soccer It's the only sport where the fans are tougher then the players.

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Why did the zombie not eat your brain? Because he doesn't eat junk food.

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"Doctor. Doctor I keep thinking I'm a woodworm." "How boring for you!"

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What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? A waist of time.

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If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam I'd have $ 6.30 now

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When you fall, I'll always be there for you. Sincerely, The Floor.

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What do you call it when a bunch of druggies talk to each other? Joint-Discussion.

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RIP hacker who was spying on me through my Laptop's camera. Died of boredom.

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Do you know why god created leprosy? He needed someone to lend him a hand!

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I was dating an archaeologist but I had to break up with her. Turns out she was a gold digger...

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Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it's getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.

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I couldn't use my phone at the funeral It was a dead zone

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Who ate all the cookies? 5-year-old: Ninjas. Me: I didn't see them. 5-year-old: No one ever does. Checkmate.

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What do single people call Valentine's Day? Independence Day

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Her: Give me a chat up line? Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper? Her: *laughs* Because I'm so captivating? Me: No, you smell like an animal.

I was writing a paper on my grandfather... But had to stop because he was moving so much.

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A kleptomaniac goes to see her doctor. She says, "Doctor, my condition has worsened. Is there anything I can take?"

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What do you call a nation of programmers? A developing country

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