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What's a mixed feeling? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
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I win most of my staring contests... ... because my opponents usually don't know they're playing.
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There are so many scams on the Internet now... Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.
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Why are Americans so good at shooting? They have the best schools for it.
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Two satellites decide to get married. The wedding wasn't "all that," but the reception was great!
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A cowboy rides into town on Friday, stays three days and leaves on Friday. How does he do it? The horses name is Friday.
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What do an elephant and an apricot have in common? They're both grey - well except for the apricot.
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Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
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Animal testing is pointless. We already know they're animals.
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There was a kidnapping at my school today... It's okay guys, he woke up.
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Why do elephants have big flat feet? A: To stomp out burning ducks.
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What did the 0 say to the 8? Hey, nice belt..
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What did the dog say after a hard day at work ? Today sure was ruff
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Chuck Norris can win a game of chess in only one move... a roundhouse kick to the face.
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This deodorant says: "Avoid contact with eyes." Too late... I've already seen it.
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People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I'm happiest when I'm right!
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Customer: "Watch out! Your thumbs in my soup!" Waiter: "Don't worry Sir it's not that hot!"
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I gave her my heart but what she really needed was kidney transplant...
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A kleptomaniac goes to see her doctor. She says, "Doctor, my condition has worsened. Is there anything I can take?"
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If a leopard and a cheetah both had companies, which stock should you buy? The leopard's, because cheetahs never prosper.
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What's the difference between talking to your wife after you forgot something and a minefield? You can actually get through the minefield alive.
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