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I was on diet for a month and all I lost was 30 days...
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Why shouldn't you tell secrets when a clock is around? Because time will tell.
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Why doesn't a sociologist look out the window in the morning? Because then they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.
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What does a British guy say when he beats an Eastern European at chess? Czechmate
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A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything was last year.
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My dad is really good at playing hide n' seek! It's been 12 years since we started and I still haven't found him!
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Life is like a box of chocolates... the fatter you are, the shorter it lasts!
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Be nice to people on your way up so they won't get suspicious when you're rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
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I would tell you another chemistry joke... But all the best ones Argon.
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A man walks into a bar... ...and loses the international limbo championship.
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If money doesn't buy happiness.. then explain why you have to pay for a divorce.
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Why did the programmer get a job at the photographers? They needed a developer.
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Chuck Norris can win a game of chess in only one move... a roundhouse kick to the face.
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What's the secret to a long life? Never order vegetarian in Texas...
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Why do women like men with moustaches? Because they immediately see something about you they can change.
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If I want to nap for just an hour, I have a big glass of water beforehand. Alarms can be turned off, but a full bladder waits for no one.
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If you want an adrenaline rush, you should go camping... It's in tents.
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What do you call a bunch of killer whales playing musical instruments? An orca-stra.
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Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it's getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
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How can you tell that your waitress is having a bad day? She has a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
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Me: I'm gonna lose weight. Me: I'm gonna exercise every day. Me: I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?
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Make a man a fire and he'll be warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm till he dies.
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Cell phones make it easy to communicate with everybody except the people you're currently with.
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