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Cell phones make it easy to communicate with everybody except the people you're currently with.
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My dad is really good at playing hide n' seek! It's been 12 years since we started and I still haven't found him!
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If you want your dreams to be as fascinating to other people as they are to you, don't mention it's a dream until the end of the story.
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What's the difference between a sumo and a feminist? A sumo shaves their legs.
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How long do I have to lay on the couch in the same position before I can call it "yoga"?
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My neighbor came over and knocked on my door at 3 a.m. the other night. Three in the morning, can you believe it? He was lucky I was still up playing my drums.
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What did one snowman say to the other snowman? I smell carrots too.
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What do you call a blood vessel with a carrot jammed into it? A carroted artery.
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Hendrix didn't need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
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I'm only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
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Policeman: Why didn't you obey that stop sign? Driver: I don't believe everything I read.
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What do you call someone who strictly prefers white rice over brown rice? A goddamn riceist
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What's the capital of Massachusetts? M
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Teacher: This note from your father looks like your handwriting ? Pupil: Well yes he borrowed my pen!
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This deodorant says: "Avoid contact with eyes." Too late... I've already seen it.
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The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
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Teacher : In the exam you will be allowed 30 minutes for each question. Pupil: How long for the answer sir?
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There's a reason why "sober" and "so bored" sound almost exactly the same.
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What did the dog say after a hard day at work ? Today sure was ruff
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