Nothing freaks me out like when I'm ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask "What kind of meat is that?" and they answer "yes".

There needs to be a third option because getting older or dying aren't working for me.

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This deodorant says: "Avoid contact with eyes." Too late... I've already seen it.

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Did you hear about the Wall Street investment banker who won $10 million in the lottery? He's so happy that he's giving some serious thought to paying back his student loan.

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It's time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside...

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A woman in a bikini reveals about 90% of her body... and yet most men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

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A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much it is for a beer. The bartender says ; "For you.. No charge!"

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The cemetery down the street seems like it's a pretty exclusive club. People are dying to get in...

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How many letters are in the alphabet during the Christmas Season? Only 25...because there's Noel.

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Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left it!

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Two ladies fighting for a seat in a bus... Bus conductor: "The older one should sit here". Both looked at each other and the seat remained empty...

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Teacher : In the exam you will be allowed 30 minutes for each question. Pupil: How long for the answer sir?

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What does a pirate wear if he works at Apple? iPatch

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My standards are so high they just recorded a reggae song.

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I was dating an archaeologist but I had to break up with her. Turns out she was a gold digger...

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Why can't the T-rex clap its hands? Because it's dead.

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Why did God create Adam before Eve? To give him a chance to say something.

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Happy Valentines! A little early I know, but l suffer from premature congratulation...

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The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.

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What time do philosophers like to visit the shopping mall? At the Schopenhauer.

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I woke up suddenly terrified I'm late for work... I opened my eyes and chilled - I'm at work.

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What did the mother turkey say to her naughty son? If your dad knew how you were acting he'd roll over in his gravy!

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What does a British guy say when he beats an Eastern European at chess? Czechmate

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What do an elephant and an apricot have in common? They're both grey - well except for the apricot.

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What did the strawberry say on December 25th? Berry Christmas!

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German tourist crosses Polish border. Border guards ask him: Name? Hans. Surname? Schmidt. Occupation? No, just traveling.

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I have finally discovered what's wrong with my brain: on the left side, there's nothing right, and on the right side, there's nothing left..

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There was a kidnapping at my school today... It's okay guys, he woke up.

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Freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door

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The more complex the handshake, the less complex the individual.

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What do single people call Valentine's Day? Independence Day

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