What do you say when you find two banana peels together? Answer: A pair of slipper

What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot

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What did the salad wearing a tuxedo say? "I feel a bit overdressed."

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No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.

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Why did the zombie not eat your brain? Because he doesn't eat junk food.

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I'm not crazy, my reality is just prettier than yours.

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Why did the arsonist go to the gym? To burn some calories.

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What's a mixed feeling? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

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I have a date this weekend with a girl who has a shoe fetish... But I'm a little worried about getting off on the wrong foot.

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German tourist crosses Polish border. Border guards ask him: Name? Hans. Surname? Schmidt. Occupation? No, just traveling.

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I hate people that drink in order to have fun. Why can't they say it's great just to drink, whether you have fun or not?

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What did the 0 say to the 8? Hey, nice belt..

Where do sick boats go? to the dock!

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My favorite element is Helium. I can't speak highly enough of it.

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What do you call a bicycle with no seat? A real pain in the ass.

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What's the best thing about Alzheimer's? You meet new people every day.

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This deodorant says: "Avoid contact with eyes." Too late... I've already seen it.

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Why did the sick eagle get deported? Because he was an illeagle.

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What clothes do lawyers wear to work? Lawsuits.

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There's one thing I've learned after my son got hit in the face with dog excrement. I'm rather good at golf.

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My phone got arrested today... It was charged with battery.

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How long do I have to lay on the couch in the same position before I can call it "yoga"?

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I don't understand people who practice polygamy. Why would anyone want more than one mother-in-law?

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Did you hear about the Wall Street investment banker who won $10 million in the lottery? He's so happy that he's giving some serious thought to paying back his student loan.

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Why is India surprised by the Brexit vote? They didn't know you could get Britain to leave by voting.

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What do you call someone who strictly prefers white rice over brown rice? A goddamn riceist

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What was Dr Frankenstein's second job? He was a body-builder.

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Sometimes I feel like a doctor stuck studying X-rays to gauge the health impacts of excessive sausage eating. I tend to see the wurst in people.

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What do tight pants and a cheap hotel have in common? No ballroom.

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I think it's pretty cool Chinese people made a language made entirely out of tattoos.

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I have finally discovered what's wrong with my brain: on the left side, there's nothing right, and on the right side, there's nothing left..

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