What's the difference between a musician and a bag of rice? The bag of rice can feed a family of four.

The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

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If I had a dozen muffins and Carlos took 13 away from me, what do I have now? A math problem

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A man walks into a bar... ...and loses the international limbo championship.

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What do Greek soccer players wear? Soccer tee's

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Treat your guests like family, so they don't stay too long.

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What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot

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Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it's getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.

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Somebody asks: "How long does it take to fly to Boston?" The clerk said "Just a minute..." "Thank you" the man said and hung up.

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You know what I hate about fashion designers? They are so clothes-minded.

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How do you call a prison inmate? With a cell phone.

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What's a cat's favorite color? Purrple.

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I went to the hairdresser and she asked how I'd like my hair cut. In silence.

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If you've ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you've obviously never been married.

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What do you tell a cow blocking a road? Mooove

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When my neighbor's bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.

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Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends? Because he's married.

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My standards are so high they just recorded a reggae song.

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Couldn't remember the girl's name from last night so I brought her to Starbucks.

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Her: I do. And that marks the last time she ever agreed with me.

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What do you say when you find two banana peels together? Answer: A pair of slipper

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Why do elephants have big flat feet? A: To stomp out burning ducks.

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I'm not crazy, my reality is just prettier than yours.

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Why do businessmen carry umbrellas? Because umbrellas can't walk.

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Why did the arsonist go to the gym? To burn some calories.

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I'll never forget what my grandfather said to me right before he kicked the bucket. "Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

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Which duck will destroy the establishment? None, ducks are not allowed in politics.

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What do you call a literary fish? Salmon Rushdie!

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Three kids are in an agruement about who's dad is better. "My dad's a fireman" said Billy. "My dad's a marine!" said Johnny. "My dad's invisible." said Brian.

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I'm only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.

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Two baloons meet each other in a garden shop... The first one says to the other: Don't go that way, there's a cactusssssss

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