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What's the difference between Rihanna and Britney Spears? Britney asked to be hit one more time..
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They installed a new machine at my gym today, I managed to do 2 hours on it. They do all sorts. Snickers, Kit-kats, Mars bars, etc.
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When is the most likely time that a stray dog will walk into your house ? When the door is open!
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"Which machine at the gym should I use to impress beautiful women?" "The ATM machine"
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Why was the Berlin Wall torn down? It didn't match with the Iron Curtains.
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Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? No, they eat the fingers separately.
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What do you get if you cross a computer with a hamburger? A big mac.
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Why should you always take two pairs of trousers when you play golf? In case you get a hole in one!
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Who's bad at baseball but fun at parties? A pitcher filled with margaritas!
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The cemetery down the street seems like it's a pretty exclusive club. People are dying to get in...
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What did the DNA say to the other DNA? Do these genes make me look fat?
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What's the fastest way to a man's heart? A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.
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I lost 40 Pounds in 4 months! I didn't realize the British stock market was so volatile.
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How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb? Define "light bulb".
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If two lawyers were drowning and you could only save one of them would you read the paper or go to lunch?
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Who sell the products cheaper, a manufacturer or a distributor? The store guard!
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At the liquor store: "Hey, do you need help?" "Yes, but I come here instead."
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I have finally discovered what's wrong with my brain: on the left side, there's nothing right, and on the right side, there's nothing left..
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Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
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Teacher: Class we will have only half a day of school this morning. Class: Hooray! Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon!
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You can tell a lot about a person by the type of car they drive. For example, if they drive a Taxi, they're probably a cab driver.
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I'm not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don't give them lunch or breakfast.
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