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Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
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I gave her my heart but what she really needed was kidney transplant...
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What many don't know, "Riverdance" was invented while waiting in line at the ladies toilet.
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What is the value of Pi? Student: Depending on what pie. Usually is $12.99
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Wife: "What's that beeping?" Me: "Fasten seatbelt alarm." Wife: "How can you ignore something so annoying?" Me: "Huh?"
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I hate people that drink in order to have fun. Why can't they say it's great just to drink, whether you have fun or not?
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Pupil: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do? Teacher: Of course not Pupil: Good, because I didn't do my homework
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Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it's getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
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The ATM told me, "Not enough funds in account," when I tried to withdraw. This ATM needs a bigger account.
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I'm currently boycotting any company that sells items I can't afford.
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Why do women like men with moustaches? Because they immediately see something about you they can change.
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Ran my first 10k this morning. I'm kidding, I'm on my second Milky Way.
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Policeman: Why didn't you obey that stop sign? Driver: I don't believe everything I read.
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How does Dracula like to have his food served? In bite-sized pieces.
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There are so many scams on the Internet now... Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.
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What happened to your three week diet? I finished it in three days!
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When is the most likely time that a stray dog will walk into your house ? When the door is open!
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How did the hipster burn his tongue ? cos he drank he coffee before it was cool...
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"What is 5Q + 5Q?" The class responds: "10Q." The teacher responds: "You're welcome"
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If you want an adrenaline rush, you should go camping... It's in tents.
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