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Life is about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
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I'm only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
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Why did the cat join the Red Cross? Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit!
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I just found bacteria growing on my chocolate bar. I guess there is life on Mars after all.
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You never get a second chance to make a first impression. Unless you keep a stash of roofies on you at all times.
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How do you know a introvert likes you... He stares at your shoes instead of his.
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How does Dracula like to have his food served? In bite-sized pieces.
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What's a mixed feeling? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
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Why should you always take two pairs of trousers when you play golf? In case you get a hole in one!
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Why don't women fart? They can't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
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Boy, do I love soccer It's the only sport where the fans are tougher then the players.
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If I had a dollar for every woman that found me unattractive... They'd find me attractive.
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Ran my first 10k this morning. I'm kidding, I'm on my second Milky Way.
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What did the diver say to the oyster? I want that pearl! Don't be shellfish!
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What did the snail say when he jumped on the turtle's back? "Wheeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!"
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Do you know what my grandmother would be doing today if she was alive? Scratching at her coffin.
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Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying "Don't worry, we cleaned it up"
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A new study has proven that people who have more birthdays live longer.
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What are the three rings of marriage? The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.
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If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
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