If I ever need a heart transplant, I'd want my ex's. It's never been used.

Who ate all the cookies? 5-year-old: Ninjas. Me: I didn't see them. 5-year-old: No one ever does. Checkmate.

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Why do lobsters make bad lovers? They're shellfish in bed.

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Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

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When my pet goldfish died my parents thought it would be a great idea to replace it with a hamster... Poor little guy drowned in seconds..

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Wanna hear my joke about the beach? I'm shore you'll like it.

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What is not a truck crashing into people? Nice.

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I don't pretend to be anything I'm not.. Except for sober - I've pretended to be sober a few times

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If a leopard and a cheetah both had companies, which stock should you buy? The leopard's, because cheetahs never prosper.

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How long do I have to lay on the couch in the same position before I can call it "yoga"?

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Why do people hesitate before registering as an organ donor? It takes guts.

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Why did they make the toilet paper so hard in North Korea? Because the Party wants to make every asshole Red.

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Ran my first 10k this morning. I'm kidding, I'm on my second Milky Way.

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A proctologist walks into a bar. Hostess: Would you like to take a stool or grab a seat? Doctor: Hell no, just a beer, I do that all day.

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What's the secret to a long life? Never order vegetarian in Texas...

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What does a parent say to their boy who keeps missing the toilet? Urine trouble.

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I always thought air was free. Until I bought a bag of chips...

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Tall people don't need to be inspirational Everyone already looks up to them.

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Guys socialize by making fun of each other, but they don't mean it. Girls socialize by giving compliments to each other but they don't mean it either.

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What do you call a bus full of lawyers driving of a cliff? A shame. What do you call an empty seat? A damn shame.

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Caught my vegan roommate crying today while chopping onions. These people are taking it too far now!

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I've found the perfect weight-loss system for Americans. Convert to the metric system and lose half your weight in just seconds.

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What do you call a dog that is also a magician? A Labracadabrador.

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Customer: "Watch out! Your thumbs in my soup!" Waiter: "Don't worry Sir it's not that hot!"

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How can you tell that your waitress is having a bad day? She has a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

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My favorite element is Helium. I can't speak highly enough of it.

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Freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door

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If I had a dozen muffins and Carlos took 13 away from me, what do I have now? A math problem

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My diet plan consists of getting a full body tattoo of some skinny dude.

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Make a man a fire and he'll be warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm till he dies.

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Do you know why god created leprosy? He needed someone to lend him a hand!

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