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I don't understand people who practice polygamy. Why would anyone want more than one mother-in-law?
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There's one thing I've learned after my son got hit in the face with dog excrement. I'm rather good at golf.
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My neighbor came over and knocked on my door at 3 a.m. the other night. Three in the morning, can you believe it? He was lucky I was still up playing my drums.
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A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything was last year.
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If Twitter was invented by a woman, the character limit would be 10,000 characters.
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Teacher: "What is science?" Student: "Me Ma'am!" Teacher: "Ok Bob, what is science?" Student: "Science is our lesson for today."
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Me: I'm gonna lose weight. Me: I'm gonna exercise every day. Me: I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?
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I don't understand people who practice polygamy. Why would anyone want more than one mother-in-law?
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What is green, red and goes 90 miles per hour? A frog in a blender.
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This deodorant says: "Avoid contact with eyes." Too late... I've already seen it.
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Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I'm coming after you... You have my word
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I was once a man stuck in a woman's body. Then my mother gave birth.
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Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish, and he'll eat for the rest of his life.
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What do you get if you cross a computer with a hamburger? A big mac.
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What's the best thing about Alzheimer's? You meet new people every day.
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How can you tell a male dinosaur from a female dinosaur? Ask it a question. If he answers it's a male if she answers it's female.
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Why should you always take two pairs of trousers when you play golf? In case you get a hole in one!
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Why do elephants have big flat feet? A: To stomp out burning ducks.
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I'm only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
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Tried to pick up a woman at a cremation once. Got my fingers burnt.
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I once fell in love with an English Teacher.... ...I wrote her a love letter and she corrected it.
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What do you want your husbands gravestone to say? Wife: "Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one."
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I heard a guy at the beach screaming, "HELP! SHARK! HELP!" I just laughed. I knew that Shark wasn't going to help him.
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A guy goes to the doctor... He says, "Doc, every time I drink coffee I feel a sharp pain in my right eye." The doctor asks, "Did you take out the spoon?"
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