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I am so lonely. The only ex I have is in my chromosome XY...
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Who's bad at baseball but fun at parties? A pitcher filled with margaritas!
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"Doctor. Doctor I keep thinking I'm a woodworm." "How boring for you!"
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I was dropping my kids off at school when I saw a sign that said "Watch for Children." I'm going to miss them, but man this is a nice Rolex.
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What happened to your three week diet? I finished it in three days!
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Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
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How to eliminate world hunger and unemployment at once? Let the hungry eat the unemployed.
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If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
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What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw? A chain saw has a dynamic range.
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My neighbor came over and knocked on my door at 3 a.m. the other night. Three in the morning, can you believe it? He was lucky I was still up playing my drums.
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What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
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Always Pay Attention! After my Prostate Exam, the Doctor left. Then the Nurse came in. As she shut the door, she whispered the three words that no man wants to hear: "Who was that?"
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I've decided to start my own herb garden. I've got a lot of extra Thyme.
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What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird ? A feather boa!
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What do elephants in the zoo get for lunch? Half an hour, just like the rest of the animals.
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I know a guy who survived an 8000-foot fall out of a plane. Until he hit the ground.
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When someone asks me if I'm busy, it always sounds like a trick question.
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Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
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Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my questions? Pupil: Well if I could, there wouldn't be much point in me being here!
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Want to hear a cheesy joke? I will only tell it if I have your Parmesan...
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