My dad is really good at playing hide n' seek! It's been 12 years since we started and I still haven't found him!

I'm currently boycotting any company that sells items I can't afford.

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There was a kidnapping at my school today... It's okay guys, he woke up.

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What clothes do lawyers wear to work? Lawsuits.

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So there was a stork carrying an old man and the old man turns to it and says: "Would you at last admit it that we are lost?"

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If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

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My friend David lost his ID the other day. Now we just call him Dav.

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Why do women have legs? To not leave a slime trail.

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What is a Rastafarian's favorite country? Yemen

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Finally figured out the reason why l look so bad in pictures. It's my face.

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Why is divorce so expensive? Because it is worth it..

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What do you call a bus full of lawyers driving of a cliff? A shame. What do you call an empty seat? A damn shame.

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There's a reason why "sober" and "so bored" sound almost exactly the same.

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Teacher : In the exam you will be allowed 30 minutes for each question. Pupil: How long for the answer sir?

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I hate people that drink in order to have fun. Why can't they say it's great just to drink, whether you have fun or not?

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"Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask?" She says, "He said, Please put down that damn gun..."

Her: I do. And that marks the last time she ever agreed with me.

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It's OK if you don't like my personality. I've got others.

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What does the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Where's my tractor?

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New science shows that diarrhea is hereditary. It runs in your jeans.

Why was the Berlin Wall torn down? It didn't match with the Iron Curtains.

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How does a leopard change its spots? When it gets tired of one spot it just moves to another!

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I'll never forget what my grandfather said to me right before he kicked the bucket. "Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

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Someone asked a man who had been married for 20 years: "What did you do before you were married sir?" With teary eyes he replied: "Whatever the hell i wanted to do."

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What's the difference between talking to your wife after you forgot something and a minefield? You can actually get through the minefield alive.

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Dad: what did you learn at school today, son? Son: apparently not enough, I have to go back tomorrow.

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German tourist crosses Polish border. Border guards ask him: Name? Hans. Surname? Schmidt. Occupation? No, just traveling.

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If you want your dreams to be as fascinating to other people as they are to you, don't mention it's a dream until the end of the story.

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What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Getting injected with tetanus.

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What's a mixed feeling? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

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Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my questions? Pupil: Well if I could, there wouldn't be much point in me being here!

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