Three kids are in an agruement about who's dad is better. "My dad's a fireman" said Billy. "My dad's a marine!" said Johnny. "My dad's invisible." said Brian.

What do an elephant and an apricot have in common? They're both grey - well except for the apricot.

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Wife: "What's that beeping?" Me: "Fasten seatbelt alarm." Wife: "How can you ignore something so annoying?" Me: "Huh?"

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What do you take before every meal? A seat.

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My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I'm already up to 3 times a day"

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Who sell the products cheaper, a manufacturer or a distributor? The store guard!

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I asked a city dweller "Do you know where the post office is?" He said, "Yes," and kept right on walking.

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What do your call a fish who starts a drug empire? A scarfish

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I don't understand people who practice polygamy. Why would anyone want more than one mother-in-law?

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I was dropping my kids off at school when I saw a sign that said "Watch for Children." I'm going to miss them, but man this is a nice Rolex.

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The deeper the pit you're falling into, the more chance you have to learn how to fly.

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The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.

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My old best friend ran off years ago to pursue his dream of becoming a mime... I haven't heard from him since.

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Teacher: If I had ten flies on my desk and I swatted one how many flies would be left? Girl: One - the dead one!

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What do you call a blood vessel with a carrot jammed into it? A carroted artery.

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The first time I used an elevator it was really uplifting. Then it brought me down.

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Policeman: Why didn't you obey that stop sign? Driver: I don't believe everything I read.

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It's so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

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Why are you late? Student: Because of the sign on the road. Teacher: What type of sign? Student: The sign that says, School Ahead, Go Slow.

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Who's bad at baseball but fun at parties? A pitcher filled with margaritas!

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A kleptomaniac goes to see her doctor. She says, "Doctor, my condition has worsened. Is there anything I can take?"

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Want to hear a corny joke? It's so good, you'd say it was a-maize-ing

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Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my questions? Pupil: Well if I could, there wouldn't be much point in me being here!

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What do clouds wear under their clothes? Thunderware.

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What do you call an italian pro-gun activist? Pro-shooto

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My grandfather got new pants the other day. I asked him how they fit... He said "Like a cheap castle." Seeing the confused look on my face, he elaborated, saying, "No ball room."

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How can you open a banana? With a monkey!

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I've found the perfect weight-loss system for Americans. Convert to the metric system and lose half your weight in just seconds.

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German tourist crosses Polish border. Border guards ask him: Name? Hans. Surname? Schmidt. Occupation? No, just traveling.

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I was on diet for a month and all I lost was 30 days...

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The ATM told me, "Not enough funds in account," when I tried to withdraw. This ATM needs a bigger account.

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