What do you call a farmer who is really good at his job? A man who is outstanding in his field.

Why did the chicken cross the road? The get to the other side.

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How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb? Define "light bulb".

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What is the name of a taxi service for bears? Ubear.

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Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.

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Make a man a fire and he'll be warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm till he dies.

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People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I'm happiest when I'm right!

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I got accepted into Harvard's medical program I just have to die first and give them my body.

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Why can't the T-rex clap its hands? Because it's dead.

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Why doesn't a sociologist look out the window in the morning? Because then they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.

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Where do werewolves stay when they're on vacation? At the Howliday Inn!

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Why did the programmer get a job at the photographers? They needed a developer.

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What did the salad wearing a tuxedo say? "I feel a bit overdressed."

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Where do you find a dog with no legs? Wherever you left it.

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Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.

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Waitress: "Do u have any questions about the menu?" Me: "What kind of font is this?"

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In what town lives the mathematician who can only multiply by two? Dublin.

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I gave her my heart but what she really needed was kidney transplant...

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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up? Because it was two tyred..

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Do you want to hear the funniest joke in the world? Me too.

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Why are redneck murder cases the hardest to solve? Because all the DNA matches and there are no dental records.

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Hendrix didn't need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.

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What do clouds wear under their clothes? Thunderware.

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When you fall, I'll always be there for you. Sincerely, The Floor.

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I've found the perfect weight-loss system for Americans. Convert to the metric system and lose half your weight in just seconds.

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If you want an adrenaline rush, you should go camping... It's in tents.

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Why are there so many female archeologists? Because women love digging up the past.

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How do you know carrots improve your vision? Cause you've never seen any bunnies with glasses

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If you've ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you've obviously never been married.

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Why did God create Adam before Eve? To give him a chance to say something.

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What's the best sport to learn when you are moving? Boxing

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