What animal runs around happily with 5 legs? A pit bull in a kindergarten

How do crazy people go thru the forest? They take the Psycho path.

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On the bright side selfie sticks are also lightning rods.

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What is Tiger Woods favorite course? The intercourse.

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What do elephants in the zoo get for lunch? Half an hour, just like the rest of the animals.

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I don't understand people who practice polygamy. Why would anyone want more than one mother-in-law?

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If I had a dollar for every woman that found me unattractive... They'd find me attractive.

Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg? He's all right.

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What do you call an italian pro-gun activist? Pro-shooto

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If a leopard and a cheetah both had companies, which stock should you buy? The leopard's, because cheetahs never prosper.

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Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends? Because he's married.

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A very tough question to answer If con is the opposite of pro, then isn't Congress the opposite of progress?

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The problem with today's children is that today's parents are idiots.

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Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!

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If Twitter was invented by a woman, the character limit would be 10,000 characters.

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Why did the left shoe marry the right? Because they were "sole"-mates

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Why did the creepy hipster get arrested? Because he was following people before Instagram.

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When my neighbor's bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.

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What did the mother turkey say to her naughty son? If your dad knew how you were acting he'd roll over in his gravy!

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Why is George Bush in bed every night by 9:10? Because nothing good happens after 9:11.

If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam I'd have $ 6.30 now

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I hate people that drink in order to have fun. Why can't they say it's great just to drink, whether you have fun or not?

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If money doesn't buy happiness.. then explain why you have to pay for a divorce.

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Ran my first 10k this morning. I'm kidding, I'm on my second Milky Way.

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I woke up suddenly terrified I'm late for work... I opened my eyes and chilled - I'm at work.

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If you've ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you've obviously never been married.

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What's cold, hot and chilly all at once? Cold chili.

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I would tell you another chemistry joke... But all the best ones Argon.

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Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it's getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.

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Why don't penguins ever get married? They always get cold feet!

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What are the three rings of marriage? The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.

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