It's OK if you don't like my personality. I've got others.

Where do women have the most curly hair? In Africa...

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What do you take before every meal? A seat.

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What do you call a witch that goes to the beach? Sandwitch

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My favorite Yoga pose is the upward facing couch potato.

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What's better than winning the lottery? Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.

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I have a date this weekend with a girl who has a shoe fetish... But I'm a little worried about getting off on the wrong foot.

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There's one thing I've learned after my son got hit in the face with dog excrement. I'm rather good at golf.

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Where did I get my scarf? It's a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.

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How does a leopard change its spots? When it gets tired of one spot it just moves to another!

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This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won't be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.

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Where do sick boats go? to the dock!

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Three kids are in an agruement about who's dad is better. "My dad's a fireman" said Billy. "My dad's a marine!" said Johnny. "My dad's invisible." said Brian.

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I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

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Guys my calendar is really sick... I think its days are numbered.

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Why is divorce so expensive? Because it is worth it..

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Make a man a fire and he'll be warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm till he dies.

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I told my friend to not worry about being hungry at the beach. Because of all the sand which is there.

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It's OK if you don't like my personality. I've got others.

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What do you tell a cow blocking a road? Mooove

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My grandfather got new pants the other day. I asked him how they fit... He said "Like a cheap castle." Seeing the confused look on my face, he elaborated, saying, "No ball room."

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What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.

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Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.

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I have finally discovered what's wrong with my brain: on the left side, there's nothing right, and on the right side, there's nothing left..

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How does Dracula like to have his food served? In bite-sized pieces.

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Did you hear about the Chicken who went for his job interview? He got roasted!

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What does have eyes but can't see, has legs but can't walk, and has wings but can't fly? A dead bird.

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My diet plan consists of getting a full body tattoo of some skinny dude.

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Wanna hear a dirty joke? John got dirty. Wanna hear a clean joke? John took a bath with bubbles. Wanna hear a naughty joke? Bubbles was the girl next door.

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Stop putting famous names at the end of random quotes. Bob Marley

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If Twitter was invented by a woman, the character limit would be 10,000 characters.

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