What's the best thing about Alzheimer's? You meet new people every day.

What starts with "E" and has only one letter in it? Envelope!

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What do dogs have that no other animal has? Puppy dogs!

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What did the diver say to the oyster? I want that pearl! Don't be shellfish!

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Why shouldn't you tell secrets when a clock is around? Because time will tell.

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In what town lives the mathematician who can only multiply by two? Dublin.

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What do a blonde and a car have in common? They can both drive you crazy.

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Policeman: Why didn't you obey that stop sign? Driver: I don't believe everything I read.

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Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot is faster. Anyone can catch a cold.

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What did the dog say after a hard day at work ? Today sure was ruff

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At the liquor store: "Hey, do you need help?" "Yes, but I come here instead."

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My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, "Do you think you'll be next?" We settled this quickly once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

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Chuck Norris can win a game of chess in only one move... a roundhouse kick to the face.

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Wanna hear a dirty joke? John got dirty. Wanna hear a clean joke? John took a bath with bubbles. Wanna hear a naughty joke? Bubbles was the girl next door.

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Why did the chicken cross the road? The get to the other side.

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Why are there so many female archeologists? Because women love digging up the past.

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I woke up suddenly terrified I'm late for work... I opened my eyes and chilled - I'm at work.

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It's so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

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The problem with today's children is that today's parents are idiots.

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What has a mouth but no teeth? A river.

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German tourist crosses Polish border. Border guards ask him: Name? Hans. Surname? Schmidt. Occupation? No, just traveling.

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If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it's because no one else wanted them.

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What's cold, hot and chilly all at once? Cold chili.

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How many Scottish highlanders does it take to change a light bulb? There can be only one.

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It's time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside...

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Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left it!

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What animal runs around happily with 5 legs? A pit bull in a kindergarten

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Nothing freaks me out like when I'm ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask "What kind of meat is that?" and they answer "yes".

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What bus crossed the Atlantic Ocean? Columbus

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Hendrix didn't need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.

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Two baloons meet each other in a garden shop... The first one says to the other: Don't go that way, there's a cactusssssss

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