In the near future, little old ladies won't know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they'll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.

Teacher: Class we will have only half a day of school this morning. Class: Hooray! Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon!

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I asked a city dweller "Do you know where the post office is?" He said, "Yes," and kept right on walking.

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Have you guys seen the movie called "Constipation"? No? That's cuz it hasn't come out yet...

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What do you call a blood vessel with a carrot jammed into it? A carroted artery.

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Who is there? Police! What do you want? We want to talk. How many of you are there? Two. So talk with each other!

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What are the three rings of marriage? The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.

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Set a man a fire and he'll stay warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he'll stay warm for the rest of his life.

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What do you call a cow with two legs? Your mother!

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I don't pretend to be anything I'm not.. Except for sober - I've pretended to be sober a few times

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Did you hear about the Wall Street investment banker who won $10 million in the lottery? He's so happy that he's giving some serious thought to paying back his student loan.

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When you fall, I'll always be there for you. Sincerely, The Floor.

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Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left it!

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Why shouldn't you tell secrets when a clock is around? Because time will tell.

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"How did you get into counterfeiting?" Criminal: I answered an ad that said "Make money at home."

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Why do pens get sent to prison? To do long sentences!

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How do you know when Santa Claus is nearby ? You can feel his presents ...

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What's cold, hot and chilly all at once? Cold chili.

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Why did the chicken cross the road? The get to the other side.

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What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wiped his butt!

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Her: I do. And that marks the last time she ever agreed with me.

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There are 10 types of people in the world! Those that can count and those that can't.

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If I want to nap for just an hour, I have a big glass of water beforehand. Alarms can be turned off, but a full bladder waits for no one.

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I woke up suddenly terrified I'm late for work... I opened my eyes and chilled - I'm at work.

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I'm not crazy, my reality is just prettier than yours.

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Why is India surprised by the Brexit vote? They didn't know you could get Britain to leave by voting.

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What do you give an elephant with big feet ? Plenty of room!

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The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

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Wanna see an ass-trick? Here --> *

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Me: I'm gonna lose weight. Me: I'm gonna exercise every day. Me: I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?

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How did the hipster burn his tongue ? cos he drank he coffee before it was cool...

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