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Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!
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Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying "Don't worry, we cleaned it up"
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What do you call someone who strictly prefers white rice over brown rice? A goddamn riceist
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In what town lives the mathematician who can only multiply by two? Dublin.
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If Twitter was invented by a woman, the character limit would be 10,000 characters.
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Freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door
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Honking the whole time isn't going to make everyone in front of you go any faster. Stupid geese.
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Someone asked a man who had been married for 20 years: "What did you do before you were married sir?" With teary eyes he replied: "Whatever the hell i wanted to do."
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What do you get if you cross a computer with a hamburger? A big mac.
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I would tell you another chemistry joke... But all the best ones Argon.
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What did the salad wearing a tuxedo say? "I feel a bit overdressed."
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Life is about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
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John regrets getting a brain transplant. I guess he changed his mind.
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What do an elephant and an apricot have in common? They're both grey - well except for the apricot.
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What does a parent say to their boy who keeps missing the toilet? Urine trouble.
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My diet plan consists of getting a full body tattoo of some skinny dude.
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Guys socialize by making fun of each other, but they don't mean it. Girls socialize by giving compliments to each other but they don't mean it either.
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