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Do you know why god created leprosy? He needed someone to lend him a hand!
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I am writing a book about the history of camping. It's all in past tents.
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Boy: You've got a face like a million dollars. Girl: Have I really? Boy: Yes ? it's green and wrinkly.
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My dad is really good at playing hide n' seek! It's been 12 years since we started and I still haven't found him!
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What do you call it when a bunch of druggies talk to each other? Joint-Discussion.
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This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won't be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
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A man walks into a bar... ...and loses the international limbo championship.
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How come anteaters never get sick? Because they're full of antibodies!
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What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw? A chain saw has a dynamic range.
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Where did I get my scarf? It's a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
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Why shouldn't you tell secrets when a clock is around? Because time will tell.
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There's one thing I've learned after my son got hit in the face with dog excrement. I'm rather good at golf.
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Dad: what did you learn at school today, son? Son: apparently not enough, I have to go back tomorrow.
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Ive been eating eggs thinking they came from an egg plant. Im going to be sick, now that I know where they really come from.
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If I ever need a heart transplant, I'd want my ex's. It's never been used.
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My longest relationship was when an Uber driver took me all the way to the airport once.
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You know what I hate about fashion designers? They are so clothes-minded.
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What's the best thing about Alzheimer's? You meet new people every day.
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Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking "Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?"
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Always Pay Attention! After my Prostate Exam, the Doctor left. Then the Nurse came in. As she shut the door, she whispered the three words that no man wants to hear: "Who was that?"
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Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
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I don't pretend to be anything I'm not.. Except for sober - I've pretended to be sober a few times
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What's the capital of Massachusetts? M
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Max wondered why the ball was slowly growing larger... and then it hit him.
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What did the 0 say to the 8? Hey, nice belt..
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