I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger... Then it hit me.

Why don't girls have beards? It's in their jeans...

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My favorite quote: "Deep down, every human being just wants to be remembered." anonymous

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Why don't they have a concert on the moon? No atmosphere

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Customer: "Watch out! Your thumbs in my soup!" Waiter: "Don't worry Sir it's not that hot!"

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So I'm reading that "twerking" and "selfie" have been added to the dictionary. "Future" and "optimism" have been removed...

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People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.

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What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird ? A feather boa!

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When my pet goldfish died my parents thought it would be a great idea to replace it with a hamster... Poor little guy drowned in seconds..

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Who invented fractions? Henry the 1/8

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If a leopard and a cheetah both had companies, which stock should you buy? The leopard's, because cheetahs never prosper.

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I got accepted into Harvard's medical program I just have to die first and give them my body.

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If you've ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you've obviously never been married.

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My favorite element is Helium. I can't speak highly enough of it.

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Why are old balloons cheaper than new balloons? Because of inflation

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What do your call a fish who starts a drug empire? A scarfish

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Always remember that you're someone's reason to smile.. Because you are a joke.

I think it's pretty cool Chinese people made a language made entirely out of tattoos.

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What did the DNA say to the other DNA? Do these genes make me look fat?

What do I know about dwarves? Very little.

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Teacher : In the exam you will be allowed 30 minutes for each question. Pupil: How long for the answer sir?

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How do you know a introvert likes you... He stares at your shoes instead of his.

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Why did the zombie not eat your brain? Because he doesn't eat junk food.

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Have you guys seen the movie called "Constipation"? No? That's cuz it hasn't come out yet...

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Somebody asks: "How long does it take to fly to Boston?" The clerk said "Just a minute..." "Thank you" the man said and hung up.

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What's cold, hot and chilly all at once? Cold chili.

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I would tell you another chemistry joke... But all the best ones Argon.

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Two baloons meet each other in a garden shop... The first one says to the other: Don't go that way, there's a cactusssssss

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Happy Valentines! A little early I know, but l suffer from premature congratulation...

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What do you call a bee with a toe? "Toby"

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Why do people hesitate before registering as an organ donor? It takes guts.

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