Pupil: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do? Teacher: Of course not Pupil: Good, because I didn't do my homework

I hate lying people, they're always in my way to the ocean.

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What's better than winning the lottery? Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.

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I was dropping my kids off at school when I saw a sign that said "Watch for Children." I'm going to miss them, but man this is a nice Rolex.

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A robber walks into a bakery, and pulls out a gun. "Give me the dough!"

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What did the salad wearing a tuxedo say? "I feel a bit overdressed."

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Wanna see an ass-trick? Here --> *

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I'm only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.

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The ATM told me, "Not enough funds in account," when I tried to withdraw. This ATM needs a bigger account.

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How do bees go to school? They take the buzz

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I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger... Then it hit me.

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What do tight pants and a cheap hotel have in common? No ballroom.

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What does a Bird and a fridge have in common? They can both fly except the fridge.

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My longest relationship was when an Uber driver took me all the way to the airport once.

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What do I know about dwarves? Very little.

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The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

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Waitress: "Do u have any questions about the menu?" Me: "What kind of font is this?"

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What do you say when you find two banana peels together? Answer: A pair of slipper

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What do you call your mum who is shorter than you? A minimum.

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Honking the whole time isn't going to make everyone in front of you go any faster. Stupid geese.

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Teacher: If I had ten flies on my desk and I swatted one how many flies would be left? Girl: One - the dead one!

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Want to hear a cheesy joke? I will only tell it if I have your Parmesan...

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How do you know a introvert likes you... He stares at your shoes instead of his.

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How does Dracula keep fit? He plays batminton.

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What do you call bees that produce milk? Boo-Bees...

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What has 2 legs and bleeds? Half a dog.

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If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple "Thank you" is all I need! Not all this "How did you get in my house?" business!

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Two satellites decide to get married. The wedding wasn't "all that," but the reception was great!

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They say that money can't buy you happiness, but being broke buys you nothing...

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I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I liked it!

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Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage. Don't talk rubbish!

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