What has a mouth but no teeth? A river.

Why should you always take two pairs of trousers when you play golf? In case you get a hole in one!

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There needs to be a third option because getting older or dying aren't working for me.

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My sister wanted to marry a man clever enough to make a lot of money but dumb enough to spend it on her!

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When my neighbor's bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.

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Caught my vegan roommate crying today while chopping onions. These people are taking it too far now!

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A robber walks into a bakery, and pulls out a gun. "Give me the dough!"

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My uncle, as an oncologist - has a great sense of tumor.

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Make a man a fire and he'll be warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm till he dies.

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What do you call a bus full of lawyers driving of a cliff? A shame. What do you call an empty seat? A damn shame.

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Why couldn't the restaurant patron get into his car? He had Gnocchi.

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My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can't get out of the bathtub.

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When you fall, I'll always be there for you. Sincerely, The Floor.

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What do you call a farmer who is really good at his job? A man who is outstanding in his field.

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Boy: You've got a face like a million dollars. Girl: Have I really? Boy: Yes ? it's green and wrinkly.

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There was a kidnapping at my school today... It's okay guys, he woke up.

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I was once a man stuck in a woman's body. Then my mother gave birth.

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My longest relationship was when an Uber driver took me all the way to the airport once.

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My diet plan consists of getting a full body tattoo of some skinny dude.

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My standards are so high they just recorded a reggae song.

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If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx?

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Why doesn't a sociologist look out the window in the morning? Because then they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.

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The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

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Why do cow wear bells? Because their horns don't work.

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How many Scottish highlanders does it take to change a light bulb? There can be only one.

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On the bright side selfie sticks are also lightning rods.

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What do you call a nation of programmers? A developing country

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Loving someone who doesn't love you back is like hugging a cactus. The tighter you hold on. The more it hurts.

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I wanted to turn my life around so I tried to stop memeing all the time... ...It made my life memeingless

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So I'm reading that "twerking" and "selfie" have been added to the dictionary. "Future" and "optimism" have been removed...

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How do you think the unthinkable? Run your ship into an iceberg...

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