What has a mouth but no teeth? A river.

My mother always told me: "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." And some people wonder why I'm so quiet around them.

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What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit? A: Will the defendant please rise.

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Why do pens get sent to prison? To do long sentences!

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Why does a dog wag it's tail? A: No one else will do it for them

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I don't pretend to be anything I'm not.. Except for sober - I've pretended to be sober a few times

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If I had 5 dollars in one pocket and 5 dollars in the other what do I have? Someone else's pants on.

If you can't do what's right you can always do what's left.

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During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants?" "Over there by mine" was not the answer I was expecting.

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The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

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If at first you don't succeed... then skydiving is NOT for you.

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Teacher: If I had ten flies on my desk and I swatted one how many flies would be left? Girl: One - the dead one!

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An opinion without 3.1415926535897932... is just an onion.

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Guys socialize by making fun of each other, but they don't mean it. Girls socialize by giving compliments to each other but they don't mean it either.

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Did you hear about the Wall Street investment banker who won $10 million in the lottery? He's so happy that he's giving some serious thought to paying back his student loan.

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The more complex the handshake, the less complex the individual.

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What do you get if you cross a computer with a hamburger? A big mac.

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I gave her my heart but what she really needed was kidney transplant...

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Why do people hesitate before registering as an organ donor? It takes guts.

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What does a pirate wear if he works at Apple? iPatch

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What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Getting injected with tetanus.

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What do you call a literary fish? Salmon Rushdie!

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How come anteaters never get sick? Because they're full of antibodies!

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I told my friend to not worry about being hungry at the beach. Because of all the sand which is there.

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I've found the perfect weight-loss system for Americans. Convert to the metric system and lose half your weight in just seconds.

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Why did God create Adam before Eve? To give him a chance to say something.

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Who's bad at baseball but fun at parties? A pitcher filled with margaritas!

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I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I'm confused about how many at night?

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Where do werewolves stay when they're on vacation? At the Howliday Inn!

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What did the strawberry say on December 25th? Berry Christmas!

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I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

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