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How did the hipster burn his tongue ? cos he drank he coffee before it was cool...
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Cop: "Are you driving under the influence?" Me: "No." Cop: "Say the alphabet backwards." Me: "Tebahpla eht."
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What's the difference between Rihanna and Britney Spears? Britney asked to be hit one more time..
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Why was the Berlin Wall torn down? It didn't match with the Iron Curtains.
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Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my questions? Pupil: Well if I could, there wouldn't be much point in me being here!
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Somebody asks: "How long does it take to fly to Boston?" The clerk said "Just a minute..." "Thank you" the man said and hung up.
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Why did they make the toilet paper so hard in North Korea? Because the Party wants to make every asshole Red.
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Why is India surprised by the Brexit vote? They didn't know you could get Britain to leave by voting.
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Did you hear about the Wall Street investment banker who won $10 million in the lottery? He's so happy that he's giving some serious thought to paying back his student loan.
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"Which machine at the gym should I use to impress beautiful women?" "The ATM machine"
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Why should you always take two pairs of trousers when you play golf? In case you get a hole in one!
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It's so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
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Always Pay Attention! After my Prostate Exam, the Doctor left. Then the Nurse came in. As she shut the door, she whispered the three words that no man wants to hear: "Who was that?"
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Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg? He's all right.
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Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot is faster. Anyone can catch a cold.
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Tall people don't need to be inspirational Everyone already looks up to them.
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Two ladies fighting for a seat in a bus... Bus conductor: "The older one should sit here". Both looked at each other and the seat remained empty...
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The phrase "you two deserve each other" sounds like a compliment, but never is.
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A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.
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Why married guys are fat: A single guy opens the fridge, sees nothing interesting there - he goes to bed. A married guy goes in the bedroom, sees nothing interesting there - he goes to the fridge.
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