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    • My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I'm already up to 3 times a day"




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    • If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx?




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    • Waitress: Do u have any questions about the menu? Me: What kind of font is this?




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    • Chuck Norris can win a game of chess in only one move... a roundhouse kick to the face.




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    • Who ate all the cookies? 5-year-old: Ninjas. Me: I didnt see them. 5-year-old: No one ever does. Checkmate.




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    • Whats the best thing about Alzheimers? You meet new people every day.




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    • Want to read a joke about pizza? Never-mind, its too cheesy!




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    • What did the diver say to the oyster? I want that pearl! Dont be shellfish!




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