What's cold, hot and chilly all at once? Cold chili.

Cell phones make it easy to communicate with everybody except the people you're currently with.

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What do you call a blood vessel with a carrot jammed into it? A carroted artery.

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Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

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A kleptomaniac goes to see her doctor. She says, "Doctor, my condition has worsened. Is there anything I can take?"

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Guys my calendar is really sick... I think its days are numbered.

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I was writing a paper on my grandfather... But had to stop because he was moving so much.

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What do you call bees that produce milk? Boo-Bees...

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My longest relationship was when an Uber driver took me all the way to the airport once.

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What time do philosophers like to visit the shopping mall? At the Schopenhauer.

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Did you hear about the Chicken who went for his job interview? He got roasted!

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Why isn't there gambling in Africa? Too many cheetahs.

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RIP hacker who was spying on me through my Laptop's camera. Died of boredom.

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Chuck Norris can win a game of chess in only one move... a roundhouse kick to the face.

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If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple "Thank you" is all I need! Not all this "How did you get in my house?" business!

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What do Greek soccer players wear? Soccer tee's

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What sound does a bouncing plane make? Boeing boeing boeing

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Make a man a fire and he'll be warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm till he dies.

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Who ate all the cookies? 5-year-old: Ninjas. Me: I didn't see them. 5-year-old: No one ever does. Checkmate.

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My friend David lost his ID the other day. Now we just call him Dav.

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I threw a boomerang a few years ago I now live in constant fear

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What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison.

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They installed a new machine at my gym today, I managed to do 2 hours on it. They do all sorts. Snickers, Kit-kats, Mars bars, etc.

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I hate people that drink in order to have fun. Why can't they say it's great just to drink, whether you have fun or not?

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What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw? A chain saw has a dynamic range.

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What's the definition of mixed emotions? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new car.

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If you want your dreams to be as fascinating to other people as they are to you, don't mention it's a dream until the end of the story.

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I'm only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.

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What's a mixed feeling? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

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Wanna hear my joke about the beach? I'm shore you'll like it.

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What did the salad wearing a tuxedo say? "I feel a bit overdressed."

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