What does have eyes but can't see, has legs but can't walk, and has wings but can't fly? A dead bird.

Always Pay Attention! After my Prostate Exam, the Doctor left. Then the Nurse came in. As she shut the door, she whispered the three words that no man wants to hear: "Who was that?"

A woman in a bikini reveals about 90% of her body... and yet most men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

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If a leopard and a cheetah both had companies, which stock should you buy? The leopard's, because cheetahs never prosper.

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Teacher : In the exam you will be allowed 30 minutes for each question. Pupil: How long for the answer sir?

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I asked a city dweller "Do you know where the post office is?" He said, "Yes," and kept right on walking.

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What's cold, hot and chilly all at once? Cold chili.

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Cell phones make it easy to communicate with everybody except the people you're currently with.

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My diet plan consists of getting a full body tattoo of some skinny dude.

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Couldn't remember the girl's name from last night so I brought her to Starbucks.

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Sorry to inform you that you have a brain problem. Your brain is in 2 parts... Left and right. The left part has nothing right in it, and the right has nothing left in it.

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Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my questions? Pupil: Well if I could, there wouldn't be much point in me being here!

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How can you open a banana? With a monkey!

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RIP hacker who was spying on me through my Laptop's camera. Died of boredom.

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If you want your dreams to be as fascinating to other people as they are to you, don't mention it's a dream until the end of the story.

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My dad is really good at playing hide n' seek! It's been 12 years since we started and I still haven't found him!

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How to eliminate world hunger and unemployment at once? Let the hungry eat the unemployed.

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Two Flies Are Sitting On a Piece of Shit. The first fly farts. The other gives him a disgusted look and says, "Come on man! I'm eating here!"

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If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam I'd have $ 6.30 now

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Instead of "Who's your daddy?" I accidentally said "How's your daddy?" and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father's cholesterol

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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.

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Set a man a fire and he'll stay warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he'll stay warm for the rest of his life.

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Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish, and he'll eat for the rest of his life.

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A very tough question to answer If con is the opposite of pro, then isn't Congress the opposite of progress?

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You never get a second chance to make a first impression. Unless you keep a stash of roofies on you at all times.

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What do you call a smarty pants? A jeanius

My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I'm already up to 3 times a day"

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What's the difference between a musician and a bag of rice? The bag of rice can feed a family of four.

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What do I know about dwarves? Very little.

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There are so many scams on the Internet now... Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.

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What's the capital of Massachusetts? M