How can you tell that your waitress is having a bad day? She has a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

Who ate all the cookies? 5-year-old: Ninjas. Me: I didn't see them. 5-year-old: No one ever does. Checkmate.

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Two baloons meet each other in a garden shop... The first one says to the other: Don't go that way, there's a cactusssssss

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What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.

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Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

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A cowboy rides into town on Friday, stays three days and leaves on Friday. How does he do it? The horses name is Friday.

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Boy, do I love soccer It's the only sport where the fans are tougher then the players.

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Who invented fractions? Henry the 1/8

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If you could choose between world peace and $100,000,000, what color would you choose for your Ferrari?

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Doc, I've got a problem. Every morning at 8 sharp I poop. Doc: "How is that a problem?" Me: "I wake up at 9."

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I hate lying people, they're always in my way to the ocean.

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If you've ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you've obviously never been married.

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My mother always told me: "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." And some people wonder why I'm so quiet around them.

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What do you call a guy that hangs around with musicians? A drummer.

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I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry.

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My sister wanted to marry a man clever enough to make a lot of money but dumb enough to spend it on her!

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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up? Because it was two tyred..

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I told my friend to not worry about being hungry at the beach. Because of all the sand which is there.

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Teacher: "What is science?" Student: "Me Ma'am!" Teacher: "Ok Bob, what is science?" Student: "Science is our lesson for today."

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My dad is really good at playing hide n' seek! It's been 12 years since we started and I still haven't found him!

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What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Getting injected with tetanus.

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A group of people were yelling at me in the movie theater. It got so loud I had to take my phone call outside.

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Why do women live longer than men? They're not married to women.

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What never comes but always leaves? My dates.

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Why did God create Adam before Eve? To give him a chance to say something.

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Why did the programmer get a job at the photographers? They needed a developer.

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When you fall, I'll always be there for you. Sincerely, The Floor.

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If you can't do what's right you can always do what's left.

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People tell me sharing is caring. Good thing I don't care.

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Why are Americans so good at shooting? They have the best schools for it.

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What planet smells the worst? Poopiter.

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