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Two ladies fighting for a seat in a bus... Bus conductor: "The older one should sit here". Both looked at each other and the seat remained empty...
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How is a judge like an English teacher? They both hand out long sentences.
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Did you hear about the Chicken who went for his job interview? He got roasted!
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What does a parent say to their boy who keeps missing the toilet? Urine trouble.
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If two lawyers were drowning and you could only save one of them would you read the paper or go to lunch?
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Why do divers fall backwards from boats? Because if they fell forward they'd still be in it!
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What do you call a bus full of lawyers driving of a cliff? A shame. What do you call an empty seat? A damn shame.
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I would tell you another chemistry joke... But all the best ones Argon.
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If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple "Thank you" is all I need! Not all this "How did you get in my house?" business!
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My lighter has two settings: 1: Spark, spark, spark 2: No left eyebrow
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What animal runs around happily with 5 legs? A pit bull in a kindergarten
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Instead of "Who's your daddy?" I accidentally said "How's your daddy?" and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father's cholesterol
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I just found bacteria growing on my chocolate bar. I guess there is life on Mars after all.
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This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won't be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
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What's a mixed feeling? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
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A very tough question to answer If con is the opposite of pro, then isn't Congress the opposite of progress?
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During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants?" "Over there by mine" was not the answer I was expecting.
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The cemetery down the street seems like it's a pretty exclusive club. People are dying to get in...
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They say that money can't buy you happiness, but being broke buys you nothing...
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A man goes to the doctor, and says "I broke my arm in three places." And the doctor says, "Well then don't go to those places anymore."
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What does a bee say before it stings you? This is going to hurt me a lot more than it hurts you!
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What did the snail say when he jumped on the turtle's back? "Wheeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!"
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What should you do if a monster runs through your front door? Run through the back door.
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I have a date this weekend with a girl who has a shoe fetish... But I'm a little worried about getting off on the wrong foot.
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