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My dad has the heart of a lion - and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
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My friend David lost his ID the other day. Now we just call him Dav.
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What's the difference between a musician and a bag of rice? The bag of rice can feed a family of four.
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The personal trainer at the gym advised me to try some resistance training. So far it's going really well. I've resisted going to the gym for six days now.
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Make a man a fire and he'll be warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm till he dies.
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I don't think it's rude to ask someone in an online dating site to send a picture posing with a copy of today's newspaper.
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When someone tells you to expect the unexpected, slap them and ask if they expected it!
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When my neighbor's bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
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Why did they make the toilet paper so hard in North Korea? Because the Party wants to make every asshole Red.
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Why is India surprised by the Brexit vote? They didn't know you could get Britain to leave by voting.
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No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.
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Sorry to inform you that you have a brain problem. Your brain is in 2 parts... Left and right. The left part has nothing right in it, and the right has nothing left in it.
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What did the DNA say to the other DNA? Do these genes make me look fat?
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There are so many scams on the Internet now... Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.
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Set a man a fire and he'll stay warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he'll stay warm for the rest of his life.
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Why do divers fall backwards from boats? Because if they fell forward they'd still be in it!
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Ive been eating eggs thinking they came from an egg plant. Im going to be sick, now that I know where they really come from.
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Nothing freaks me out like when I'm ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask "What kind of meat is that?" and they answer "yes".
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Policeman: Why didn't you obey that stop sign? Driver: I don't believe everything I read.
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Wife: "What's that beeping?" Me: "Fasten seatbelt alarm." Wife: "How can you ignore something so annoying?" Me: "Huh?"
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Who ate all the cookies? 5-year-old: Ninjas. Me: I didn't see them. 5-year-old: No one ever does. Checkmate.
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