What did the snail say when he jumped on the turtle's back? "Wheeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!"

A man goes to the doctor, and says "I broke my arm in three places." And the doctor says, "Well then don't go to those places anymore."

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What's next to England? A question mark.

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I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

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"What is 5Q + 5Q?" The class responds: "10Q." The teacher responds: "You're welcome"

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What's the difference between talking to your wife after you forgot something and a minefield? You can actually get through the minefield alive.

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What kind of pictures does a mermaid take on her phone? Shelfies.

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What starts with "E" and has only one letter in it? Envelope!

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The Flat Earth Community has supporters all around the globe.

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A good book is like a good puppy. Both are easy to pick up but hard to put down.

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Why do pens get sent to prison? To do long sentences!

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What never comes but always leaves? My dates.

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Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it's getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.

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This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won't be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.

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Why did God create Adam before Eve? To give him a chance to say something.

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Why are redneck murder cases the hardest to solve? Because all the DNA matches and there are no dental records.

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A man walks into a bar... ...and loses the international limbo championship.

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Nothing freaks me out like when I'm ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask "What kind of meat is that?" and they answer "yes".

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Boy: You've got a face like a million dollars. Girl: Have I really? Boy: Yes ? it's green and wrinkly.

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The phrase "you two deserve each other" sounds like a compliment, but never is.

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Why doesn't a sociologist look out the window in the morning? Because then they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.

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Why shouldn't you tell secrets when a clock is around? Because time will tell.

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I wanted to turn my life around so I tried to stop memeing all the time... ...It made my life memeingless

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Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying "Don't worry, we cleaned it up"

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What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison.

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Why married guys are fat: A single guy opens the fridge, sees nothing interesting there - he goes to bed. A married guy goes in the bedroom, sees nothing interesting there - he goes to the fridge.

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Ive been eating eggs thinking they came from an egg plant. Im going to be sick, now that I know where they really come from.

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If I had a dozen muffins and Carlos took 13 away from me, what do I have now? A math problem

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You know why they don't have CSI in Arkansas? They don't have enough teeth for dental records, and they all have the same DNA.

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Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

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What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.

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