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What do you call an italian pro-gun activist? Pro-shooto
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Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage. Don't talk rubbish!
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Caught my vegan roommate crying today while chopping onions. These people are taking it too far now!
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I lost 40 Pounds in 4 months! I didn't realize the British stock market was so volatile.
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What did the mother turkey say to her naughty son? If your dad knew how you were acting he'd roll over in his gravy!
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A kleptomaniac goes to see her doctor. She says, "Doctor, my condition has worsened. Is there anything I can take?"
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What's the definition of mixed emotions? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new car.
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There's a reason why "sober" and "so bored" sound almost exactly the same.
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What time do philosophers like to visit the shopping mall? At the Schopenhauer.
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How do you know when Santa Claus is nearby ? You can feel his presents ...
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What is green, red and goes 90 miles per hour? A frog in a blender.
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What's the difference between a musician and a bag of rice? The bag of rice can feed a family of four.
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How can you tell that your waitress is having a bad day? She has a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
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If I want to nap for just an hour, I have a big glass of water beforehand. Alarms can be turned off, but a full bladder waits for no one.
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If two lawyers were drowning and you could only save one of them would you read the paper or go to lunch?
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I wanted to turn my life around so I tried to stop memeing all the time... ...It made my life memeingless
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Why are you late? Student: Because of the sign on the road. Teacher: What type of sign? Student: The sign that says, School Ahead, Go Slow.
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Me: "Mom and Dad, I've decided to live on my own from now on." Parents: "Ok, cool." Me: "Your luggage is outside..."
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What many don't know, "Riverdance" was invented while waiting in line at the ladies toilet.
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Ran my first 10k this morning. I'm kidding, I'm on my second Milky Way.
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What's the capital of Massachusetts? M
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I don't pretend to be anything I'm not.. Except for sober - I've pretended to be sober a few times
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