An opinion without 3.1415926535897932... is just an onion.

What did one snowman say to the other snowman? I smell carrots too.

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Be nice to people on your way up so they won't get suspicious when you're rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.

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Pupil: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do? Teacher: Of course not Pupil: Good, because I didn't do my homework

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Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? No, they eat the fingers separately.

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What do you call bees that produce milk? Boo-Bees...

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Just recently sold all my dead batteries free of charge

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What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.

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Teacher: This note from your father looks like your handwriting ? Pupil: Well yes he borrowed my pen!

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I like my coffee like I like my woman. Cold and bitter.

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If you want an adrenaline rush, you should go camping... It's in tents.

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Ran my first 10k this morning. I'm kidding, I'm on my second Milky Way.

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What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit? A: Will the defendant please rise.

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People tell me sharing is caring. Good thing I don't care.

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What's the most common blood type among drummers? Heroin.

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What should you never do in front of an alcoholic? Whine.

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John regrets getting a brain transplant. I guess he changed his mind.

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There was a kidnapping at my school today... It's okay guys, he woke up.

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Chuck Norris can win a game of chess in only one move... a roundhouse kick to the face.

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How is a judge like an English teacher? They both hand out long sentences.

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What is a Catholic choir boy's favorite song? "Can't Touch This"

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Cell phones make it easy to communicate with everybody except the people you're currently with.

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Wife: "What's that beeping?" Me: "Fasten seatbelt alarm." Wife: "How can you ignore something so annoying?" Me: "Huh?"

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What do clouds wear under their clothes? Thunderware.

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The phrase "you two deserve each other" sounds like a compliment, but never is.

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Where do you find a dog with no legs? Wherever you left it.

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What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wiped his butt!

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What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.

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Want to hear a cheesy joke? I will only tell it if I have your Parmesan...

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Dad: what did you learn at school today, son? Son: apparently not enough, I have to go back tomorrow.

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How do you know when Santa Claus is nearby ? You can feel his presents ...

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