Why don't women fart? They can't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Who is there? Police! What do you want? We want to talk. How many of you are there? Two. So talk with each other!

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Why did the creepy hipster get arrested? Because he was following people before Instagram.

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What did the strawberry say on December 25th? Berry Christmas!

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The more complex the handshake, the less complex the individual.

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"Doctor. Doctor I keep thinking I'm a woodworm." "How boring for you!"

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You never get a second chance to make a first impression. Unless you keep a stash of roofies on you at all times.

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What's the difference between a sumo and a feminist? A sumo shaves their legs.

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Dear Algebra, please stop asking us to find your x. She is not coming back.

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What's a cat's favorite color? Purrple.

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I was dating an archaeologist but I had to break up with her. Turns out she was a gold digger...

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Chuck Norris can win a game of chess in only one move... a roundhouse kick to the face.

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Who's bad at baseball but fun at parties? A pitcher filled with margaritas!

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How do you know when Santa Claus is nearby ? You can feel his presents ...

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If I want to nap for just an hour, I have a big glass of water beforehand. Alarms can be turned off, but a full bladder waits for no one.

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How can you tell a male dinosaur from a female dinosaur? Ask it a question. If he answers it's a male if she answers it's female.

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What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit? A: Will the defendant please rise.

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Her: I do. And that marks the last time she ever agreed with me.

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Life is about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

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If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam I'd have $ 6.30 now

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What should you do if a monster runs through your front door? Run through the back door.

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My dad has the heart of a lion - and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

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What do you call a blood vessel with a carrot jammed into it? A carroted artery.

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Teacher : In the exam you will be allowed 30 minutes for each question. Pupil: How long for the answer sir?

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You know why they don't have CSI in Arkansas? They don't have enough teeth for dental records, and they all have the same DNA.

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The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.

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How do you make a plumber cry? You kill his family.

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Why don't girls have beards? It's in their jeans...

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What do you call a farmer who is really good at his job? A man who is outstanding in his field.

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Teacher: "What is science?" Student: "Me Ma'am!" Teacher: "Ok Bob, what is science?" Student: "Science is our lesson for today."

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Wanna see an ass-trick? Here --> *

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