Did you hear about the nation's best farmer? He's out standing in his field.

Pupil: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do? Teacher: Of course not Pupil: Good, because I didn't do my homework

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What are the three rings of marriage? The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.

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What's the fastest way to a man's heart? A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

At the liquor store: "Hey, do you need help?" "Yes, but I come here instead."

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Tall people don't need to be inspirational Everyone already looks up to them.

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My lighter has two settings: 1: Spark, spark, spark 2: No left eyebrow

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"Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask?" She says, "He said, Please put down that damn gun..."

How long do I have to lay on the couch in the same position before I can call it "yoga"?

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Doctor: "You're obese." Patient: "Whoa, for that I definitely want a second opinion." Doctor: "You're quite ugly, too."

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Ive been eating eggs thinking they came from an egg plant. Im going to be sick, now that I know where they really come from.

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What do you call a guy that hangs around with musicians? A drummer.

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They say that money can't buy you happiness, but being broke buys you nothing...

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What's next to England? A question mark.

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I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger... Then it hit me.

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On the bright side selfie sticks are also lightning rods.

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Always remember that you're someone's reason to smile.. Because you are a joke.

You know why they don't have CSI in Arkansas? They don't have enough teeth for dental records, and they all have the same DNA.

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The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.

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If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it's because no one else wanted them.

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Life is like a box of chocolates... the fatter you are, the shorter it lasts!

I was on diet for a month and all I lost was 30 days...

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I've decided to start my own herb garden. I've got a lot of extra Thyme.

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I think it's pretty cool Chinese people made a language made entirely out of tattoos.

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Want to hear a corny joke? It's so good, you'd say it was a-maize-ing

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If your clock strikes 13, what time is it? Time to fix your clock.

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What is Tiger Woods favorite course? The intercourse.

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John regrets getting a brain transplant. I guess he changed his mind.

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There was a kidnapping at my school today... It's okay guys, he woke up.

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If you can't do what's right you can always do what's left.

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My favorite Yoga pose is the upward facing couch potato.

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