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    • I am writing a book about the history of camping. It's all in past tents.




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    • Who is there? Police! What do you want? We want to talk. How many of you are there? Two. So talk with each other!




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    • My lighter has two settings: 1: Spark, spark, spark 2: No left eyebrow




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    • Theres one thing Ive learned after my son got hit in the face with dog excrement. Im rather good at golf.




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    • Its OK if you dont like my personality. Ive got others.




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    • Why is a bear brown? Because he crawls in his hole during winter.




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    • I heard a guy at the beach screaming, HELP! SHARK! HELP! I just laughed. I knew that Shark wasnt going to help him.




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    • Why did the programmer get a job at the photographers? They needed a developer.




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    • Whats the difference between a musician and a bag of rice? The bag of rice can feed a family of four.




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    • What is Tiger Woods favorite course? The intercourse.




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    • What do you get if you cross a lamp with a violin? A: You get light music.




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    • When my pet goldfish died my parents thought it would be a great idea to replace it with a hamster... Poor little guy drowned in seconds..




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    • Wanna hear my joke about the beach? Im shore youll like it.




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    • The phrase you two deserve each other sounds like a compliment, but never is.




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    • My neighbor came over and knocked on my door at 3 a.m. the other night. Three in the morning, can you believe it? He was lucky I was still up playing my drums.




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    • What does a British guy say when he beats an Eastern European at chess? Czechmate




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    • Why do hurricanes travel so fast? Because if they travelled slowly wed have to call them slow-i-canes.




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    • Why do divers fall backwards from boats? Because if they fell forward theyd still be in it!




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    • Want to hear a corny joke? Its so good, youd say it was a-maize-ing




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    • You hear about the two guys who stole a calendar? They each got six months.




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    • If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, its because no one else wanted them.




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    • Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!




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    • Whats heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers? A ton of feathers. Because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.




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