Shopping Jokes
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I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.
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I'm currently boycotting any company that sells items I can't afford.
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What do a blonde and a car have in common? They can both drive you crazy.
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You know what I hate about fashion designers? They are so clothes-minded.
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What do you want your husbands gravestone to say? Wife: "Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one."
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Why are Americans so good at shooting? They have the best schools for it.
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What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
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Be nice to people on your way up so they won't get suspicious when you're rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
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What animal runs around happily with 5 legs? A pit bull in a kindergarten
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Honking the whole time isn't going to make everyone in front of you go any faster. Stupid geese.
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What do you call a blood vessel with a carrot jammed into it? A carroted artery.
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What's the definition of mixed emotions? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new car.
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What should you do if a monster runs through your front door? Run through the back door.
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When my pet goldfish died my parents thought it would be a great idea to replace it with a hamster... Poor little guy drowned in seconds..
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What do you call a guy that hangs around with musicians? A drummer.
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I don't think it's rude to ask someone in an online dating site to send a picture posing with a copy of today's newspaper.
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A woman in a bikini reveals about 90% of her body... and yet most men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
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Teacher: This note from your father looks like your handwriting ? Pupil: Well yes he borrowed my pen!
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Life is about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
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What is green, red and goes 90 miles per hour? A frog in a blender.
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Why do people hesitate before registering as an organ donor? It takes guts.
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My old best friend ran off years ago to pursue his dream of becoming a mime... I haven't heard from him since.
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My neighbor came over and knocked on my door at 3 a.m. the other night. Three in the morning, can you believe it? He was lucky I was still up playing my drums.
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If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx?
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A robber walks into a bakery, and pulls out a gun. "Give me the dough!"
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If you've ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you've obviously never been married.
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