Quotes Jokes
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My favorite quote: "Deep down, every human being just wants to be remembered." anonymous
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Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
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Me: I'm gonna lose weight. Me: I'm gonna exercise every day. Me: I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?
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This deodorant says: "Avoid contact with eyes." Too late... I've already seen it.
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I have a date this weekend with a girl who has a shoe fetish... But I'm a little worried about getting off on the wrong foot.
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Why are you late? Student: Because of the sign on the road. Teacher: What type of sign? Student: The sign that says, School Ahead, Go Slow.
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Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
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Waitress: "Do u have any questions about the menu?" Me: "What kind of font is this?"
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"Which machine at the gym should I use to impress beautiful women?" "The ATM machine"
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There's a reason why "sober" and "so bored" sound almost exactly the same.
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Did you hear about the Chicken who went for his job interview? He got roasted!
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What's the difference between a musician and a bag of rice? The bag of rice can feed a family of four.
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Customer: "Watch out! Your thumbs in my soup!" Waiter: "Don't worry Sir it's not that hot!"
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So there was a stork carrying an old man and the old man turns to it and says: "Would you at last admit it that we are lost?"
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What's better than winning the lottery? Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.
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There are so many scams on the Internet now... Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.
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A proctologist walks into a bar. Hostess: Would you like to take a stool or grab a seat? Doctor: Hell no, just a beer, I do that all day.
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My mother always told me: "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." And some people wonder why I'm so quiet around them.
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Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
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I gave her my heart but what she really needed was kidney transplant...
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How does Dracula like to have his food served? In bite-sized pieces.
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I was writing a paper on my grandfather... But had to stop because he was moving so much.
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Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish, and he'll eat for the rest of his life.
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Cell phones make it easy to communicate with everybody except the people you're currently with.
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Life is like a box of chocolates... the fatter you are, the shorter it lasts!
Toys
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Free app/game: Image Faker
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I got accepted into Harvard's medical program I just have to die first and give them my body.
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Teacher: Class we will have only half a day of school this morning. Class: Hooray! Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon!
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