Philosophy Jokes
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If you want your dreams to be as fascinating to other people as they are to you, don't mention it's a dream until the end of the story.
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How many Scottish highlanders does it take to change a light bulb? There can be only one.
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You know what I hate about fashion designers? They are so clothes-minded.
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A group of people were yelling at me in the movie theater. It got so loud I had to take my phone call outside.
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The ATM told me, "Not enough funds in account," when I tried to withdraw. This ATM needs a bigger account.
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My grandfather got new pants the other day. I asked him how they fit... He said "Like a cheap castle." Seeing the confused look on my face, he elaborated, saying, "No ball room."
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You know why they don't have CSI in Arkansas? They don't have enough teeth for dental records, and they all have the same DNA.
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Boy: You've got a face like a million dollars. Girl: Have I really? Boy: Yes ? it's green and wrinkly.
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If money doesn't buy happiness.. then explain why you have to pay for a divorce.
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If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, then lets get wasted and have the time of our lives.
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I was once a man stuck in a woman's body. Then my mother gave birth.
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What do elephants in the zoo get for lunch? Half an hour, just like the rest of the animals.
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Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage. Don't talk rubbish!
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In the near future, little old ladies won't know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they'll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
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Doctor: "You're obese." Patient: "Whoa, for that I definitely want a second opinion." Doctor: "You're quite ugly, too."
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What's the secret to a long life? Never order vegetarian in Texas...
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I win most of my staring contests... ... because my opponents usually don't know they're playing.
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Honking the whole time isn't going to make everyone in front of you go any faster. Stupid geese.
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What animal runs around happily with 5 legs? A pit bull in a kindergarten
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Doctor doctor people keep telling me I'm ugly! Lay on the couch face down.
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